Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Hitman: Absolution aka Wet Dog Fart

Wow, it's been a while since I've done a blog. It certainly feels like it anyway. So I picked up the new Hitman game and it is a sad day in the world of Number 47, because someone has assassinated this franchise.

So Square Enix developed this little gem and if you know me, you know I'm not a fan of the company. Mostly because of the Final Fantasy series. I hate their faces. I hate their haircuts. I hate their giant chickens.

Not kidding, giant, fucking, chicken. It's almost as if I hate Japan by saying this, but I don't.


Hitman was developed in Montreal, Quebec, Canada! Hooray! Right?! WRONG! Leave it to the Canadians to screw up being sneaky. I mean if Canadians are supposed to be so nice, why are they so mean to the Hitman fans? What did we do to deserve this?

Lets talk about the gameplay. 

Sneaking is ok. Cover to cover jumping, good. Changing disguises to fit in to the crowd, good. Killing a baddy from behind, good. Did they pull it off? NOPE! Cover switching is something that stealth 3rd person shooters have to do. In 47's world cover is good, but it's almost pointless if all you have to do is duck and you are out of view. I found myself just walking away from npc's so as not to be detected. You don't really even need the cover half the time. Guard sees you walking, duck. Janitor sees you walking, DUCK! Duck sees you walking, QUACK!

Then there's the disguises. Why do we get to change clothes to blend in? I'm not sure, because even if you do, the npc's will question it right away... UNLESS!! you hit the right bumper on the controller to go into super awesome future seeing xray vision ninjatastic mode. Then you can blend in! I thought the point of wearing a disguise was to blend, but I guess I was wrong. so there's that. 

Disguises are pointless. Cover is pointless. 

Guess what?


Now there is a new point system that lets you know how sneaky you are being as you go along. It also lets you know how everyone else that plays the game is doing too. Fun right? Nope. I don't care how everyone else in the world is doing at this game, it's not a multiplayer game. If you kill someone who isn't the target, well that's minus 145 points. If you hide the body, that's plus 145 points. So why kill them at all. You get nothing and you deserve nothing! BOO YOU MURDERER!

You do get points for killing main targets in different ways. Explosions, poisoning etcetera. Points? Really guys? Points?

Now onto the good.

It's a new Hitman game! that's about it. It looks updated and pretty, so that's good. The voice acting is topnotch. The story isn't the best, but it's hands down better than other games out there. 

But, it's just not enough. The faults out weight everything that could have made this game great. The assassin mode button doesn't help, the cover system is flawed, the disguises are pointless. Oh and did I mention how you can play through the game in under eight hours. Yeah it's really quick.

Contracts mode.
In this game mode, you play through the levels of the story, but you can pick the targets. You choose who dies and how they die. Cool right? You can also play through this mode with user created scenarios. They pick who and how you kill and then you get points! YEA POINTS! I'm sorry I just don't get it. Points? Assassins don't get points, they get paid, and I didn't get paid. Well I got paid in dirty looks from the wife, burps from the monster baby and lovely wet dog farts. So I guess that's what I get for playing one of my favorite franchises. 

So the verdict:

Buy, if you have the money to blow and don't care where it goes.
Rent, if you like Agent 47 and just want a quick fix.
Pass, if the other two don't apply to you at all. 

P.S. Check out my friendo's blog post on this game.